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Thinking the thoughts this morning

I adore Kayla Lords, and read her/there blog daily. Today's blog post is a guest post (part 2) written by B. Mercy...concerning eating disorders. You can read that post's good stuff and though provoking.

 I typed up a comment, that ended up being an essay, as this topic is so personal to me:

I get this, I so get it. I've struggled with orthorexia nervosa and disordered eating for years now. (though I've ranged between an obsession with "A Pound of Cure" (low fat, low carb, and Keto)...but I've mentally abused myself so badly when it comes to eating, that I'm taking a different approach now.  Assigning foods a moral status is my downfall…I play the “good food” and “bad food” game all the time…when really…it’s all just food. I've sat sobbing in my kitchen floor, in a kitchen full of food, starving, because there was nothing "clean" or "safe" to eat. Food cannot have a moral standing, it’s not an ethical choice, etc.

I have body dysmorphic disorder stemming from my gastric bypass in 2003. While I only weigh 209 now, I look in the mirror and still see the me that was 328 pounds. All of my Dr's consider my surgery a success, and they've told me over and over that, I'm healthier now and don't need medications, I'm not in pain, etc...but my brain is my worst enemy. My Dom/Mister tells me all the time, he loves my body...but I hear "you are too fat, your skin is loose, you have some ugly scars". This frustrates the ever living snot out of him and has earned me more than one scolding...which does help lol.

I started following the body acceptance movement and body positive ideas last year. At first, I was skeptical, I figured it was just another diet movement, masquerading body acceptance.  Or it was another “health” blogger trying to sell me something. (aka what I call wealthy white women’s wellness products) Weight loss is a $72 billion dollar a year industry in the United States! And they’ve made sure to shame women and to manipulate us into hating our bodies to earn that blood money. (seriously, how many people have killed themselves because they don’t feel physically acceptable.) I listen to podcasts on the beauty and weight loss industry and how they emotionally manipulate and exploit women so

I can recognize those tactics and the thoughts they lead to. I’ve stopped dieting. Hard stop on dieting. I’ve been dieting since I was 9 years old (my mother put me on Deal a Meal…the Richard Simmons crap), as a young child, I was taught I was not good enough, I was not acceptable. That set me up for a lifelong trip towards an eating disorder and self-abuse.  I’ve learned that our food choices are very financial class-based, our food system is inherently classist (and a tidge racist). I’ve learned that it really is okay to be happy with my body, that I don’t have to keep hurting myself in order to be acceptable.

I am enough. My body is enough. I don't need to change who I am. I don't need to change my body. I am enough. You can be fat and healthy...the two are not mutally exclusive things. I am enough.


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