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Use Your Words


"Use Your Words!"

I've said those three words to our children, at least a thousand times in their short lifespans.  Yet, I still can't use my words. 

Growing up, I was raised to keep my hurts, thoughts, and beliefs to myself. My mother was a volatile human being, and you never knew what might set her off. Granted, she was not diagnosed as being bi-polar until I was in my early 20's...so we didn't know then that she was mentally ill...she was just a raving bitch to me when I was young. It's very difficult to learn to express yourself as a child when you know it might lead to a screaming rampage.

Fast forward 30 years, and I still can't quite use my words. Logically, I know I'm in a safe, nurturing relationship...one in which I can literally say anything without fear of being harmed. (well...unless I've asked to be harmed lol) Yet, I can't look at my Mister and say "I'm feeling very off today, can you spank me so I'll feel a bit more centered?"  I know deep down, it's what I need to make myself feel more in control and less anxious...yet I have a huge amount of anxiety in just asking for what I need. I'm so super afraid of a negative response...even though I know...I've never gotten one yet. 

Thankfully, Mister realized that I was in need of a session yesterday and asked if it's what I needed. I agreed that yes, it was what I needed, and it was what I desperately needed the day before when I was losing my shit. But I just couldn't find my words. (kids...kids...kids are crazy inducers...especially 13-year-olds.) After a good bit of spanking last night, I feel asleep calm and woke up feeling pretty damn great and in control this morning. I just need to learn to use my words! 



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