Skip to main content

Random Thoughts on a Random Day about being the Sib of a differently abled person.




I've been struggling to stay on task...seriously struggling...everything is frustrating me and I mean everything lol. I'm the type of service sub that hates disappointing my dominate, my Sir helps me to regulate my "to-do" list, as I struggle with a few executive function issues. He helps me stay grounded, he helps me say "no" to commitments that I really should say no to. I was raised to be a people pleaser, I was raised to put my own needs aside for the needs of others. (my mother raised her caregiver for herself and my sister...they are both ill and/or special needs) My amazing spouse saved me from that life, I'm not responsible for my mother or my sister...their disabilities and care needs are not mine to own. I am allowed to have a life outside of them. And I need to focus on the goals we've worked out together to reach the outcome that I want so badly. A college degree.

I belong to a community of adult "sibs" of special needs folks and one of the most common "vents" is that we were raised to be a caregiver for our sib. We are our parent's insurance plan or caregiver on tap. There is soooooo much resentment tied to this plan that our parents tried to/or have forced us into. I realized today, while scrolling through my Twitter feed, that while I support disabled activists, I don't find myself doing so with as much gusto or enthusiasm that I do for say size acceptance activists or LGBTQ activists. And at times, I find some of their requests to be whiny and demanding...much to my own personal chagrin. Instead of brushing that feeling off, I decided to sit with it a bit today and truly understand why I felt bothered. And it comes down to being a forced caregiver to a physically and developmentally challenged adult.  (and a forced caregiver to my now terminally ill mother)

There is this extreme level of emotional manipulation discussed often in the Sibnet community. If you don't agree to be the lifelong caregiver and personal slave, then you are a horrible, uncaring person. If you want to go to college, start your own family, and have a career...well then you better have a long-term plan to care for that differently abled sib of yours. (or how dare you want a life outside of caregiving for _____________? she needs you!) And sometimes, I see that emotional manipulation played out in Twitter...and it's rough to be honest, it makes me resent what the person is saying, even if I agree with the underlying message.

My relationship with my sister has reached a semi-balanced level at this point when it was made clear to me that I was to be her lifelong caregiver...I got pissed off...taking a teens dreams is wrong. Period. I developed a huge amount of hatred for my sister, that I buried and kept on keeping on. It wasn't until my sister was about 30, that we had a moment that helped us to connect on a personal level. I won't go into it, but it was her watershed moment, and she decided that she wanted out of my mother's house and out of her control. (that's a whole nuther post) I was 34 at that point, with 2 kids, and my Sir and I had nothing to lose by pissing off my mother. I threw myself into becoming my sister's biggest supporter for living on her own.

After two legal battles and much family drama, my sister won her independence (when my mother lost, my father made his bid...they see $$$...my sister is on SSI).  She's living on her own now (she does not need a live-in caregiver, just a bit of drop in support), legal battle #3 won her control over her own finances (and she is fucking better at budgeting than I am!) and has been for about 8 years now and she's happy...I'm happy...our parents are miserable, control freaks who've lost their control.  We are still working on developing a "normal" sibling relationship, much of it has to do with me retraining my brain...and on her side, realizing when she's being manipulative. (OMG, the day program for "special needs" adults my mother put her were pretty much manipulation "how-to" camps...she and her peers learned to be master manipulators to get what they wanted!) We talk so much now about communication and consent and we do our best to practice it in our relationship.  I've gotten better at taking "That was ableist, do better" and she's gotten better at hearing "I refuse to be emotionally manipulated by you or anyone else, can you communicate that want/need in another way?"

I guess the gist of all this rambling is...emotional manipulation is wrong. It's wrong no matter who does it. If you have to resort to emotional manipulation to make others do things for you...you've made an error in judgment. Communicate your needs/wants,  seek the consent of the person whose help you may need without emotionally manipulating them. I will do everything under the sun (just about) for my sister out of love, but nothing from a place of manipulation.

***Note, I have my sister's consent to speak of our situation and to express my own views of how it influenced my self-esteem and development as well. I do my best not to speak for her, but with her consent, will share some of her shared aloud thoughts and responses, I do my best to quote her. While she is not a blogger, honestly, she's not much a fan of the internet at all...she supports my need to process this shit and to come to a healthy place with it. At some point, we'd like to sit down and do a podcast about growing up from our perspective. We both have sought out therapy for our childhoods/teen/young adulthoods experiences.***

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Sore boobs and stuff

You know it's a great play session when you wake up with boobs that can't stand to be touched. I almost didn't think I was going to make it last night, it was so hard to stay awake. I was taking my pre-bedtime bath and kept finding myself falling asleep...which did not bode well for me. With our schedules being what they are, our play sessions are pretty much limited to Fri-Sunday nights. (that is if the small humans that live with us allow it at all)  I knew if I even hinted to my Sir that I was exhausted, that he'd call it off, and tuck me in. And I'm one fucking brat when I want something, so I sucked it up and drank 1/2 a grande Starbucks latte and enjoyed myself. 
And enjoy myself I did, I had my ass spanked with my favorite paddle and got to enjoy his cock in my mouth. As of late, I've learned that I enjoy a good face fucking. I love it when I lay back on the side of our bed, and he straddles my face while standing. I enjoy digging my nails into his ass,…

What Scares You? #30characterprompts

Oh, Ms. Harrison, this one is a doozy. (note to self, learn what Tasha Harrison likes to go by so you don't picture her as an 11th grade English teacher when writing...with her red pen at the ready.)

I started working on this blog entry last night, getting my graphics perfect and brainstorming my thoughts...then I had "the morning". You know "the morning"...it's such a good thing! I woke up about 4am (I know, early, and we don't have chickens, though we should) and OMG, I was beyond hot and bothered! I don't tend to remember my dreams, so there was no help there in helping me figure out what in the world was going on, but I knew one thing, I needed my Sir's cock...badly lol. Now, my quandary was, it's 4am and he's sound asleep, as in deeply relaxed, peacefully sleeping, sound asleep. I knew I'd be risking a paddling for waking him up, but I was pretty sure he'd be unhappy if I didn't wake him up to sate my arousal. (after al…

Fetlife? WTF

Wow...you know...Fetlife is confusing for me. I assumed it was more of a Social Networking site, people talking to each other, forming relationships (be it formal or informal or casual), sharing events and networking. What I'm finding, in reality, is the exact opposite, it's a hookup site for people with no manners, Low IQ's, and those who really just want to stick their dick in something...really anything will do for some of them. (yo, Tender and Adult Friend Finder are better for that dudes)  Meh, I'm really just not a person that does well with shallow people.



People don't really take the time to read your profile, even if you keep it super simple and short. They perv your pictures and then send you DM's that say "hey"...dude...bro...bruh....I do not respond to "hey". If you want to talk to me, do so in well-formed, complete, intelligent sentences.  "hey" tells me you lack the confidence to string together a few words and to tal…